David J. Maloney
David J. Maloney -Oil Spill from Lifehouse Productions on Vimeo.
I'm not sure how many people outside of the gulf coast have had the pleasure of seeing this turbo douche's commercials. Here is the only one I could find and it doesn't even begin to do him justice. All of them consist of close ups and different angle shots of him acting like a big faggot. FACE PUNCH!
Guy Fieri
Part of me feels bad for this guy. The other part wants to strike him directly in his face. Bowling shirts were never cool in or outside of a bowling alley. Get a hold of yourself man.
Papa John
I will hand it to him; he has a cannon for an arm. Papa John can toss a football. Aside from that he has nothing going for him. This assclown continues to stain my tv with his terrible commercials and for that i am overcome with an urge to roundhouse kick his face.
Spencer Pratt
Some people were just not meant to grow facial hair. The first sign you should look for when determining if you are one of these people is if your facial hair is flesh colored. Even if he did shave that thing he still has a face that lends itself to punching more than anyone else on the list.
Tucker Carlson
This guy embodies the whole short shorts wearing, croakie sporting, pop collared douche bagery that has somehow become a mainstay of teenage males and promotes it on the soapbox that Fox News affords him. And for that he deserves a particularly severe face punch.
Jesus
"ooooooooooooo look at me. I'm the son of God. you will do exactly what I say or you will burn in the fires of hell for eternity" Seriously Jesus, tone it down a little bit. It's all a bit presumptuous don't you think? JESUS FACE PUNCH!
Nicholas Cage
How is he still a real actor? I have never met anyone who has enjoyed a Nicholas cage movie in almost a decade. Boycott anyone who employs this man.
Jared Fogle
Nick Saban
There is never an appropriate time to compare your football teams loss to 9-11. But that didn't stop Saban from doing it when Alabama lost to Louisianna Monroe. This of course took place after he threw in the towel at LSU and shat all over the Miami Dolphins organization. That little confused puppy look he is always sporting makes me want to punch a baby.
Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen gave us Bud Foster and for that he will forever be O.K in my book. But this selection is based strictly off the actual physical attributes of his face. The elongated nose and sunken eyes are ripe for the plundering. The haircut and tommy bahama attire are just gravy.
I love this, we need more of this.
ReplyDeleteI knew this was going to be a post my His Eminence before I even got to the bottom. Good post. I like that you are willing to throw a little old bay in to spice things up.
ReplyDeleteI concur with the Lord (the dark one, not the supposed son of God). This was great.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea behind the post and I can appreciate the thought and work put into it, but I can't agree with all your choices. Like Charlie Sheen; aside from his face shape and "Two and a Half Men," his lifestyle merrits an award, not a punch. As for Guy Fieri, every bone in my body wants to hate him for his hair, outfits, and backwards sunglasses, but he's grown on me and I feel like someone needs to defend him. Papa John, I guess, is a personal preference, but I like his overpriced pizza. I can't believe Tim Tebow is not somewhere on the list. And lastly, Jesus AND Nick Saban? I expected a little more diversity in the list than including two religious icons. Overall, it was a fun post to read.
ReplyDeleteGood points, Wolf. I was also surprised to not see Bill O'Reilly on this list. But he is probably on the top ten list of people who need to die immediately.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion is you make this a weekly blog, and only attack one person at a time. This way you can put more effort and creativity towards a single person and really convince us all that this person does indeed need a punch in the face.
ReplyDeleteI was rolling...Jesus, N. Cage, and Jared...followed by, of course, Saban himself...you stepped it up and brought it home masterfully! Agreed, should be a weekly installment
ReplyDeleteglad you liked it. I'm sticking with my Charlie Sheen selection although i will admit it was a tie between him or Bill Paxton when it comes to making the cut. And Papa John is a no brainer. I agree his pizza is by far the best.......but he is still a gigantic doucher. The proof is in the pudding....and by pudding i mean his commericals. But i didnt even consider Tim Tebow which was a good one. Bill O' Reilly isnt even on my face punching radar. I think he is the least offensive Fox News commentator off all. Glen Beck on the other hand deserves his own column.
ReplyDeleteGdamnit I hate glen beck with a passion! bill o reilly sux a big one, but glen beck is a sonaofabitch
ReplyDeleteEhr Mah Gurd
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